Carol Kroll

A two part post day…

This may be a two part post kind of day. As my last post stated, “the darkness” sort of showed up this past weekend to serve as a gentle reminder that I always need to be working on my inner self. No matter what kind of chaos and craziness is going on either around me directly or indirectly. And unfortunately I had (have) both going on.

BUT.

Unlike in the past, when I would drink myself silly or do other destructive/numbing out things, I fought it. And I fought HARD this time.

See, after I wrote that last post in the blog, I went for a drive and parked by the frozen river for a LONG time. It was really pretty and quiet. I also brought along my notebook and sharpie and was determined to finish the lyrics to the song I had started. Because before I left I almost ripped up my notes and took a nap. For the night.

Even though it was 2PM.

Oh this was a doozy too. I not only wanted to rip up (burn) all my songwriting notes, but I wanted to rip up (burn) my paintings and close out all my internet accounts and close up shop and hide. FOREVER.

Oh, I know it seems so silly, but I’m being honest here. However, I at least recognized this was a pattern/cycle of mine that has to be stopped. And that it never really ever goes away. It just takes WORK to manage it.

So instead of throwing the motherload of passive aggressive tantrums, something inside me (perhaps my soul?) made me grab the keys and my materials. And so I sat there looking out my car window waiting for words to come my way. Waiting for a melody to come my way. Oh sure, the thought of driving my car INTO the river had crossed my mind, but deep down I knew I had to confront this stuff because that clearly isn’t the answer. And to go THROUGH the feeling rather than AVOIDING IT. Hard as it was, I think my soul was really trying to get my attention this time. And fortunately, I was able to listen finally.

So, when I simply let myself BE and EXIST in the moment, things started to come to me. And I started feeling peace inside again. And I was able to get some stuff down on paper. I drove home, and propped up my notebook on the piano and opened garageband and was all ready to “make my tune”. THEN all of a sudden OUT OF NOWHERE I got wickedly tired! Like narkalepsy type tired. So I gave in and napped for 10 minutes.

Why is this part important? Because this is where the fight REALLY came in. When I woke up from my 10 minute nap I felt HORRIBLE. Like everything I do is useless. And ridiculous. And pointless. And “you’ll go nowhere!” and THIS IS DUMB! And so are YOU! The voices were SO loud. And so terrible. Evil in fact.

BUT.

Instead of returning to my nap, and acknowledging that they were “right” – I pissily got up (and I was PISSED) locked myself in my “studio” (a fancy term for a bedroom) with my notebook and computer, and not only finished the lyrics to the song, but also was able to construct the entire track in garageband. A track I am actually pleased with.

By 1AM, not even stopping for dinner, I wanted to sing the tracks, but my voice was hoarse and sounded like crapola (cracking and honking like a goose), so I have been waiting to lay down my vocals. But now I fear it is procrastination, which is why I am writing all this in the first place. To sort of call myself on it.

So.

Today, vocals will be added to this tune and I will be posting it. No more white paper syndrome (which is the fear of dirtying up a clean sheet of paper but can be applied to a raw music track too) Which is also why I expect this to be a 2-part blog post day. The second part of this posting will be the tune I post.

And may I add, you might be thinking over there, of course if I just took a pill to make me “even” – well that would be the sensible answer, right? No. Not for me right now. Although I do firmly believe in medicine helping people with depression and anxiety. But right now I need to feel. I have spent pretty much my whole life numbing out to my feelings but now I need to own them and experience them. Good or bad. Even though I am terrified. So I can properly do what I believe I was put on this planet to do. And that is sing, write, paint and perform.

February 17, 2009 | Comments (0) | Views (72)

A struggle

I’ll be honest. Today is a struggle. I woke up from incredibly realistic nightmares this morning and it has left me a little hallow and incredibly sad/depressed inside. Well to be completely honest, I have been struggling with some darkness since I got back from my musical boat-ride, and this didn’t help, but I’ll get through it.

Its been a while since I have had a string of these night-scares, but then again its February. In Wisconsin. Much like this songwriter describes from the song panel I was able to watch a week or so ago, apparently its always February in Winnipeg (jesus, sorry) and as he states here, there is a little bit of February in all of us. Lucky me, I was BORN in February, so that statement rings quite true for me in other ways.

Since the people who read this blog

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February 15, 2009 | Comments (0) | Views (84)

Allow myself to introduce……my….self……..

I recently saw a vintage Twilight Zone episode addressing an idea I have had for a while, which I thought was original but I guess it isn’t. In that episode a guy went back in time to his childhood home and visited his parents at the same age he was and of course his parents didn’t believe him and threatened to have him arrested. Anyway, my idea is a little different but in the same vein.

WHAT IF, your 36 almost 37 year old self could visit with your 20 year old self. You know that moment you were about to make some HUGE decisions that will impact the rest of your life? WHAT would you say? Nevermind the total freak out your 20 year old self would have at what state you are in your late 30’s, but what would you say? If you could do that, of course you would alter your reality and existence forever, which might change your 36 almost 37 year old self as you know it today.

But just forget that part. What would you tell yourself at 14 or 16 or 20 or 25? I have a few ideas of what “I” would say, but I will keep those to myself. Or would your “younger know it all little sh*t self” be a typical yutz and ignore your advice and pick the things you picked anyway? Is there a set destiny that has been already laid out for us? Or is it a choose your own adventure kind of deal? That is a post all in itself. Perhaps tomorrow, because I have a few theories. And I really hope it doesn’t keep me up all night again.

At the very least, I think my 36 almost 37 year old self would really have to drive home the fact that permed hair with a rooster crest type shape on the top of your teenage girl head is not a good idea even though you think it is in the late 80’s.

THEN, what if your 56 almost 57 year old self came by tomorrow, knocked on your door, brought cake, and got a chance to speak with you?? Wouldn’t THAT be the shit? Maybe you are allowed to ask 3 questions, like Aladdin! What would those questions be?

“Why the hell are you wearing THAT!?”

No, maybe not that because that would be a waste. But you know, that would be quite trippy. I’m tripping out just thinking about it.

My 80 year old self will be playing strip checkers somewhere in some nursing home someday, but I would still be willing to talk to my 14 to 56 year old self and offer some advice. I would have clothes on though. Cause I don’t plan on losing too many games.

February 12, 2009 | Comments (3) | Views (151)

New tune!

Sort of. Well, it isnt really mine at all, but at least I recorded SOMETHING for the 3 people that read this blog to finally listen to. When I finish what I am doing over here regarding this music project I am pursuing, I would like to have a good collection of my own tunes, along with a list of tunes I will cover from other artists I find inspiring. So I thought I would start that part of the process tonight by recording a small portion of Aimee Mann’s, “Little Bombs”. I absolutely adore the lyrics and music equally. I encourage you to look up the lyrics. Perhaps later this week I will get the whole song out.

Listen Here

February 10, 2009 | Comments (0) | Views (110)