Carol Kroll

A two part post day…

This may be a two part post kind of day. As my last post stated, “the darkness” sort of showed up this past weekend to serve as a gentle reminder that I always need to be working on my inner self. No matter what kind of chaos and craziness is going on either around me directly or indirectly. And unfortunately I had (have) both going on.

BUT.

Unlike in the past, when I would drink myself silly or do other destructive/numbing out things, I fought it. And I fought HARD this time.

See, after I wrote that last post in the blog, I went for a drive and parked by the frozen river for a LONG time. It was really pretty and quiet. I also brought along my notebook and sharpie and was determined to finish the lyrics to the song I had started. Because before I left I almost ripped up my notes and took a nap. For the night.

Even though it was 2PM.

Oh this was a doozy too. I not only wanted to rip up (burn) all my songwriting notes, but I wanted to rip up (burn) my paintings and close out all my internet accounts and close up shop and hide. FOREVER.

Oh, I know it seems so silly, but I’m being honest here. However, I at least recognized this was a pattern/cycle of mine that has to be stopped. And that it never really ever goes away. It just takes WORK to manage it.

So instead of throwing the motherload of passive aggressive tantrums, something inside me (perhaps my soul?) made me grab the keys and my materials. And so I sat there looking out my car window waiting for words to come my way. Waiting for a melody to come my way. Oh sure, the thought of driving my car INTO the river had crossed my mind, but deep down I knew I had to confront this stuff because that clearly isn’t the answer. And to go THROUGH the feeling rather than AVOIDING IT. Hard as it was, I think my soul was really trying to get my attention this time. And fortunately, I was able to listen finally.

So, when I simply let myself BE and EXIST in the moment, things started to come to me. And I started feeling peace inside again. And I was able to get some stuff down on paper. I drove home, and propped up my notebook on the piano and opened garageband and was all ready to “make my tune”. THEN all of a sudden OUT OF NOWHERE I got wickedly tired! Like narkalepsy type tired. So I gave in and napped for 10 minutes.

Why is this part important? Because this is where the fight REALLY came in. When I woke up from my 10 minute nap I felt HORRIBLE. Like everything I do is useless. And ridiculous. And pointless. And “you’ll go nowhere!” and THIS IS DUMB! And so are YOU! The voices were SO loud. And so terrible. Evil in fact.

BUT.

Instead of returning to my nap, and acknowledging that they were “right” – I pissily got up (and I was PISSED) locked myself in my “studio” (a fancy term for a bedroom) with my notebook and computer, and not only finished the lyrics to the song, but also was able to construct the entire track in garageband. A track I am actually pleased with.

By 1AM, not even stopping for dinner, I wanted to sing the tracks, but my voice was hoarse and sounded like crapola (cracking and honking like a goose), so I have been waiting to lay down my vocals. But now I fear it is procrastination, which is why I am writing all this in the first place. To sort of call myself on it.

So.

Today, vocals will be added to this tune and I will be posting it. No more white paper syndrome (which is the fear of dirtying up a clean sheet of paper but can be applied to a raw music track too) Which is also why I expect this to be a 2-part blog post day. The second part of this posting will be the tune I post.

And may I add, you might be thinking over there, of course if I just took a pill to make me “even” – well that would be the sensible answer, right? No. Not for me right now. Although I do firmly believe in medicine helping people with depression and anxiety. But right now I need to feel. I have spent pretty much my whole life numbing out to my feelings but now I need to own them and experience them. Good or bad. Even though I am terrified. So I can properly do what I believe I was put on this planet to do. And that is sing, write, paint and perform.