Some personal thoughts
Something that has me down a little lately, is that in this lifetime, my choices for not wanting children are complicated and my own. But that doesn’t mean I don’t empathize with others when they tell me they are either planning to have kids, are in the process of, or have children already. “We forgot. You hate children” or “I wasn’t going to tell you because you don’t like kids” has been offered up a lot to me in the past year or so by a number of people, and I have to admit it’s really hurtful, and moreover, not true. I like children, especially that mid-range between infancy and teen. That is an innocent age I secretly wish I personally could get back. And I can appreciate people wanting to be a parent. Hands down, a very difficult job. I just don’t have that calling….
Stating I am childfree is dicey because some of the views or commentaries of the beholders can be extreme, mean spirited and exclusionary. And I don’t want to represent that either. It is a personal decision for everyone whether they want to or not. So a lot of times I feel a little alone, odd and isolated in my decision of where I stand on the whole matter. Souls ask to come into this world, this I truly believe, but it’s easy to get the wrong idea when someone states they don’t have the calling to be a parent.
Having PCOS makes it a bit more tricky because it is generally looked at solely as a fertility problem. But generally (in my experience) once you answer “no” to the question, “Are you trying to start a family?” —- your doctors don’t care to treat you. “Well, you don’t want to get pregnant so we’ll just give you some birth control pills.” But honestly, there is so much more to it than that. I have spent the past 12 years finally getting the medicines I need to drop the weight (and the shame) that comes with having PCOS along with feeling the best I have ever felt. All because I found two doctors that realized the longterm effects of this disorder on me as a person, and not just failing as a vessel.
I guess I could be private about all this, but I know others have shared their struggles with these matters on the internet and it has helped me greatly to read their accounts when I have felt horrible inside about myself. There is a lot of shame, secrecy and assumption that comes with having this disorder and choosing not to be a parent. You definitely can feel less the woman and like you just don’t matter in society at all. But just knowing that there are others out there with the same struggles makes you feel not so alone.
Comments
Well, you know I’ve got your back, Carol. I’d prefer my home to remain child-free, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my niece and nephew to death. But at the moment I know about 10 people who are pregnant. It’s hard not to feel out of place.
Hey carrie!
That feeling out of place thing is a really good way to put it.
Unrelated but related I always got a big kick out of Aaron’s little ones (Sweet Jelly) shouting out “Hi Carol!” when I would walk in the door and then when they would run downstairs to say goodnight to all the bandmembers before they would go to sleep.
And how they did with a full band playing under their rooms I will never know!
Choosing not to have children must be a result of not liking children, how dumb is that, really? It’s like saying that because I don’t want to be a cook, I dislike food?
Folks who choose to have children become parents, a somewhat different but not better or more complete state of existence. I believe there is no obvious thing relatively more noble about that, and as many noble things about life without having “your own” children.
Too many people haven’t figured that out, so I hope its not too hurtful to you to deal with that, and to teach them. I don’t have children, and may not. Yet I put a solar panel on my roof for children in general - there are many roads to many different good places.
Showing people that is something to feel good about, and they may be better parents if they take their choice to be parents less for granted as a result.
Preston, this was an incredible thing to read. I have to really thank you for sharing this with me and with the others that may pass by.
Truly incredible.
PS: I saw your solar panel in your twitpics and just thought that to be totally awesome! Not to mention inspiring. I myself am working on a rain barrel for my victory garden
Carol, I’ve always had the belief that you chose not to be a parent BECAUSE you actually do like children. You understand the difficult role a parent plays and didn’t want to put anyone at a disadvantage by being born to someone who didn’t have that calling. I have always thought that you would actually make a most excellent mother for that very same reason, but have always respected your choice for the alternative. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve encountered such thoughtless people lately and I second Preston’s sentiments exactly. I only wish we lived closer because I think you would be such a wonderful influence on my Sophie’s life. I hope someday she does have the calling to be a parent but want to also show her it is possible to have a fulfilling life in other ways as well.
- carol said on Jun 3, 2009:
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Commenting is not available in this section entry.I appreciate your kind words here Tiffany. I really would, however, like to be clear and assure that the comments made to me as such, were not coming from thoughtless or mean spirited folks. I know the internet can present things oddly. And to some extent, perhaps I gave this impression to many people throughout the years without fully explaining myself, and these comments were only met in jest or confusion. My main point of it is that it’s always hard for me to explain. Especially when having a family is the norm. I want to make sure everyone knows it’s a personal choice, no matter what side of the fence one is on, and not meant to be offensive if one does or does not.